I suffer from anxiety very easily. Over most things, over little things. I get very OCD. I panic quickly. I need reassurance.
Twitter, for all its value. Is capable of scaring me. It did that.
You see I read some tweets. Not directed at me or anything I had done. But I felt they were. I felt the personal nature of them. The anger, rage, hatred that emanated from them was palpable. It leapt off my screen at me.
It frightened me.
They were vehement. They encouraged no argument. They used capitals to reinforce their words. They were violent. They brooked no dissent. They were like a tidal wave that crashed over me, drowned me and swept me away on a current of distress.
I physically trembled as I read them. My anxiety was like an empty scream, there, but I had no way of expressing it.
I wanted to respond. I had things I wanted to say. Things I felt I HAD to say. But I lacked the courage in the face of the onslaught.
I felt violated. I felt mistrusted. I felt less of a person and all my Autistic fears and anxieties rose, en masse and swallowed me whole.
Twitter is for views. Often we express ourselves in ways that are uncomfortable to others. I know that. But Twitter is also about balance, the cut and thrust of tweeting, the give and take in 140 characters.
But what I noted, and I mentioned this is an earlier blog, was that these tweets were from a person who, no doubt, wants to be accepted for their Autism. Who preaches awareness, acceptance and who seeks NT adaptability as they live with us.
But the language used. The violence inherent in the tweets seemed, to me, of such an attitude that they would NOT stand for argument or discussion of the topics they promoted yet would seek to discuss and argue with NTs over Autism. They would want to give in a way that it was not open to others to do so. And again I wondered and worried over causes that bear no examination. Where everything is presented as bald fact.
And so I must turn from Twitter. I am, for this period, be it days, or longer, scared of it.
I am not confrontational. I would have, if chance had been available, confronted, but in an open, gentle, probing way, seeking enlightenment.
I felt wholly unable to do so.
Until we meet again. Goodbye.