Decisions, decisions and mind issues

I’m no good at making decisions. 

I prevaricate, I twist and turn, I fret and worry, my anxiety levels grow and I work myself into a panic. 

My default position is “No” 

And now I have a big decision to make. And it’s taking all of the above and amplifying it times a thousand. 

I’ve come into an inheritance. 

And it’s already, two days later, proving to be an unwanted burden. 

It’s a sizeable amount. And that’s a problem. It’s not quite large enough to purchase a house here that would meet our needs and I don’t want to spend it all and add extra borrowing into the equation. I don’t want to be in debt and have nothing to fall back on. 

We could purchase a house elsewhere of course. We could uproot and go to a cheaper area. But if we do that I don’t have a job and the longer it takes for me to get one, and my other half for that matter, the more we have to live on our savings and they get eroded. Plus we know how difficult it is for Autistic people to get employment. 

I don’t like my job. It’s not for me. But it’s a job. I like the people I work with directly and I am fortunate to live six miles from the coast and in a very beautiful rural, part of the country. That explains the price of houses here but it also explains the attraction to me. It’s quite quiet, laid back. 

I’ve lived in London and after 18 months I had a breakdown. I was born in a big city but that was 8 miles from the coast and, again, in a lovely part. I don’t want to live somewhere there’s noise and I feel trapped in a grey soulless environment. 

I’m terrified of making the wrong decision. 

And there are two other concerns. 

Firstly, my love of travel. My special interest in it, my bucket list, my need to get away. Use all the money and that ability vanishes and holidays become faded memories and photographs. Saving is hard enough now without the boost of injected capital. 

Secondly, this horrible Fibro fog that’s enslaved my mind. My inability to think as clearly as I did, the extra effort required, the headaches and the sheer tiredness I constantly feel. I don’t feel in control. 

So those hinder my ability to make decisions. 

I’ve had to say to my other half “nothing will happen this year”. We have a family wedding, we are going away to India and then it will be Christmas. I have a hundred and one other appointments and things to deal with. My other half then says “unless something good comes up on the market” and I find the pressure I have tried so hard to alleviate, is immediately brought back into sharp focus. 

I dont want to be mean. I know we share things. I don’t want to get possessive. She talks about “our money”. She’s partially right that it’s our money but it’s also mine and the final say has to come down to me. That final decision must be mine. 

But it’s a very hard decision to take…….. And get right. 

If I’d inherited £20k then life would have been so much simpler. Have a holiday, get a newer car, get a new sofa. Then it’s gone but you’ve achieved something. 

Money doesn’t make you happy. 

It just gives me a headache!!!

Re-evaluating my life

I haven’t tweeted in over three weeks now. 

I haven’t blogged since ?. 

I took myself away from it all. I didn’t feel any sense of belonging to “the community” or that I was supported in the way that clearly many do. In fact, quite the opposite was happening, by continuing to be there I felt myself getting more and more isolated. 

I didn’t fit in politically. I was very tempted to write a blog at that point but for the amount of grief and trolling it brings down on your head, it’s simply not worth it. I couldn’t get rationality out of people (very important to someone who is Autistic) but instead got ranting, raving and scaremongering on a scale that was concerning and told me, quite clearly, to leave alone. 

I didn’t fit in with the Autistic Spectrum either. I’ve blogged about that in the past. A sense of being the lonely one. I couldn’t get my head around why people wanted congratulating for their diagnosis. I could understand from a personal perspective that getting the label justifies the search and shows that a persons belief is correct and they’ve been vindicated and I can also understand tweeting about the diagnosis but to then accept congratulations as though you had won something, seemed beyond my comprehension. I have the diagnosis and the label and all its brought is self harm, suicide attempts and thoughts, a deep black hole of despair and so little understanding and support that the journey to diagnosis, as perilous as it was, seems like a bad dream and a waste of my life. 

So, once again, I found myself on the outside looking in. 

I accept my views are different to everyone else’s. I have Aspergers. Isn’t that how it’s supposed to be ?. 

I read several very learned blog posts on Autism. People’s knowledge is impressive in its clinical detail. Did I understand the blogs ?. No. Couched as they were in such “high” language they were way beyond my comprehension and only re-enforced my view of being a stupid Aspie. Clearly everyone on Twitter who talks about Autism is of the high functioning type. They don’t talk “my language” at my level. And if you constantly feel stupid and out of place then, you probably are. 

So, I went through my Twitter list. I unfollowed 348 people, groups, organisations. Not because I don’t like them but because I’m not compatible with them. Some I followed for their wit, some I followed just out of curiosity or interest, many I followed because they were Autistic. 

But then I re-evaluated. 

I took a long hard look at myself and realised that, amongst the self loathing, the self hatred, the disgust I feel about my body, my face, me, me, me, following wasn’t doing me any good. I felt totally alone. I just didn’t fit in with these people’s lives. They had more important things to do than read my tweets (or at least I hope so) and I didn’t get a shred of support or comfort from them or their tweets. I felt incredibly alien. 

I felt detached. 

It wasn’t about being liked. I don’t know these people in the sense that I’ve never met them. There isn’t a “relationship” here. 

But I wish them all well. 

I would have liked to have felt involved. Felt a sense of value. Felt as though I was contributing. But I don’t. I didn’t. 

So a life with no value gets re-evalued. 

Turns it out that it still has no value. 

Oh well..