Re-evaluating my life

I haven’t tweeted in over three weeks now. 

I haven’t blogged since ?. 

I took myself away from it all. I didn’t feel any sense of belonging to “the community” or that I was supported in the way that clearly many do. In fact, quite the opposite was happening, by continuing to be there I felt myself getting more and more isolated. 

I didn’t fit in politically. I was very tempted to write a blog at that point but for the amount of grief and trolling it brings down on your head, it’s simply not worth it. I couldn’t get rationality out of people (very important to someone who is Autistic) but instead got ranting, raving and scaremongering on a scale that was concerning and told me, quite clearly, to leave alone. 

I didn’t fit in with the Autistic Spectrum either. I’ve blogged about that in the past. A sense of being the lonely one. I couldn’t get my head around why people wanted congratulating for their diagnosis. I could understand from a personal perspective that getting the label justifies the search and shows that a persons belief is correct and they’ve been vindicated and I can also understand tweeting about the diagnosis but to then accept congratulations as though you had won something, seemed beyond my comprehension. I have the diagnosis and the label and all its brought is self harm, suicide attempts and thoughts, a deep black hole of despair and so little understanding and support that the journey to diagnosis, as perilous as it was, seems like a bad dream and a waste of my life. 

So, once again, I found myself on the outside looking in. 

I accept my views are different to everyone else’s. I have Aspergers. Isn’t that how it’s supposed to be ?. 

I read several very learned blog posts on Autism. People’s knowledge is impressive in its clinical detail. Did I understand the blogs ?. No. Couched as they were in such “high” language they were way beyond my comprehension and only re-enforced my view of being a stupid Aspie. Clearly everyone on Twitter who talks about Autism is of the high functioning type. They don’t talk “my language” at my level. And if you constantly feel stupid and out of place then, you probably are. 

So, I went through my Twitter list. I unfollowed 348 people, groups, organisations. Not because I don’t like them but because I’m not compatible with them. Some I followed for their wit, some I followed just out of curiosity or interest, many I followed because they were Autistic. 

But then I re-evaluated. 

I took a long hard look at myself and realised that, amongst the self loathing, the self hatred, the disgust I feel about my body, my face, me, me, me, following wasn’t doing me any good. I felt totally alone. I just didn’t fit in with these people’s lives. They had more important things to do than read my tweets (or at least I hope so) and I didn’t get a shred of support or comfort from them or their tweets. I felt incredibly alien. 

I felt detached. 

It wasn’t about being liked. I don’t know these people in the sense that I’ve never met them. There isn’t a “relationship” here. 

But I wish them all well. 

I would have liked to have felt involved. Felt a sense of value. Felt as though I was contributing. But I don’t. I didn’t. 

So a life with no value gets re-evalued. 

Turns it out that it still has no value. 

Oh well..

4 thoughts on “Re-evaluating my life

  1. Why would anyone celebrate a diagnosis? Because it provides outside confirmation – some sign we’re not imagining things. And it places us in a community we never could access before. It’s not for everyone, but it matters to many. I personally, can take it or leave it, but w/out one, some think I don’t belong… so…

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    • I mentioned vindication.
      But yes, each to their own. I have no idea whether people are diagnosed or not unless they say so.
      Would I have rather been undiagnosed ?. It wouldn’t have made the slightest difference to my life. No access to a community, no help, no real understanding, no acceptance…and a family which didn’t believe it even when I got it.
      Perhaps people just have more luck than me..

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Sure, everybody is different. I’m probably fortunate that my expectations are so low. Every good thing is a pleasant surprise, and I don’t expect it to happen again.

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  3. 🙂 Hey there! At this very moment, I also feel “stupid” and “undistributed”, even if I DO struggle to maintain a relatively organized life… Since recent events in France and worldwide, I have become like a capricious child willing to cuddle with a book and be left alone… I’ve tried to read on autism and I’ve kept the course until lately, I’ve managed to join different groups, was even twice on the way to create an association, I’ve spoken to many people I do not personally know — only one really positive and unexpected experience (VisualVox, just to mention)… Most ppl have speculated behind my back or ignored me because I do not speak much (or not at all) and because it’s easy to do it when one is already “weird enough”, WHATEVER! I have found my really good reasons to live. Extreme perceptions mark extreme responsibilities and exigencies and it’s NO personal GOOD for aspies being visual thinkers or ahead of time, but it’s also a way to provoke creative, unique, or simply stupid enough behavior not to do other ppl harm and mind our own business… One word→ BREATHE ☺ While breathing close your eyes and try to remember your mother’s thoughts when you were a newborn baby… These are the important beliefs in who you really are. Love is the only thing that we inherit and no matter its percentage or endurance it will always be there to protect us… The only thing we need to do is keep on making the right choices and respect a schedule. Good luck will be back, but even if it does not seem to, we have the right to choose how and for how long we’ll suffer through things that are not so lucky…(with or without a diagnosis) Take care ! à+

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