Decisions, decisions and mind issues

I’m no good at making decisions. 

I prevaricate, I twist and turn, I fret and worry, my anxiety levels grow and I work myself into a panic. 

My default position is “No” 

And now I have a big decision to make. And it’s taking all of the above and amplifying it times a thousand. 

I’ve come into an inheritance. 

And it’s already, two days later, proving to be an unwanted burden. 

It’s a sizeable amount. And that’s a problem. It’s not quite large enough to purchase a house here that would meet our needs and I don’t want to spend it all and add extra borrowing into the equation. I don’t want to be in debt and have nothing to fall back on. 

We could purchase a house elsewhere of course. We could uproot and go to a cheaper area. But if we do that I don’t have a job and the longer it takes for me to get one, and my other half for that matter, the more we have to live on our savings and they get eroded. Plus we know how difficult it is for Autistic people to get employment. 

I don’t like my job. It’s not for me. But it’s a job. I like the people I work with directly and I am fortunate to live six miles from the coast and in a very beautiful rural, part of the country. That explains the price of houses here but it also explains the attraction to me. It’s quite quiet, laid back. 

I’ve lived in London and after 18 months I had a breakdown. I was born in a big city but that was 8 miles from the coast and, again, in a lovely part. I don’t want to live somewhere there’s noise and I feel trapped in a grey soulless environment. 

I’m terrified of making the wrong decision. 

And there are two other concerns. 

Firstly, my love of travel. My special interest in it, my bucket list, my need to get away. Use all the money and that ability vanishes and holidays become faded memories and photographs. Saving is hard enough now without the boost of injected capital. 

Secondly, this horrible Fibro fog that’s enslaved my mind. My inability to think as clearly as I did, the extra effort required, the headaches and the sheer tiredness I constantly feel. I don’t feel in control. 

So those hinder my ability to make decisions. 

I’ve had to say to my other half “nothing will happen this year”. We have a family wedding, we are going away to India and then it will be Christmas. I have a hundred and one other appointments and things to deal with. My other half then says “unless something good comes up on the market” and I find the pressure I have tried so hard to alleviate, is immediately brought back into sharp focus. 

I dont want to be mean. I know we share things. I don’t want to get possessive. She talks about “our money”. She’s partially right that it’s our money but it’s also mine and the final say has to come down to me. That final decision must be mine. 

But it’s a very hard decision to take…….. And get right. 

If I’d inherited £20k then life would have been so much simpler. Have a holiday, get a newer car, get a new sofa. Then it’s gone but you’ve achieved something. 

Money doesn’t make you happy. 

It just gives me a headache!!!

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