Fear is the mind killer

Everyone has fears. 

Admitting your fears is not easy for a number of reasons. To admit them may be to open yourself up to ridicule or to admit them may make them more real. 

I have several fears. 

I fear that my life is a failure. I fear that is all pointless and that I just exist for the sake of existing, that I have no purpose and that I’ve achieved nothing. Biology meant I couldn’t father children so I’ve no genetic achievements, I work in a job with no prospect of advancement, I’m a divorcee, don’t earn much, have diabetes, fibromyalgia and am Autistic, and basically I’m a pretty worthless specimen. 

I fear I let others down. When I lose a darts match I fear I’ve let the side down. When I can’t answer a colleagues question at work I feel I’ve let them down. My partner could find someone so much better than me who would do the stuff she likes and I don’t so I fear I let her down all the time. 

And the list goes on. 

And fear leads to stress and anxiety. 

I am Autistic. Routine and order are my safeguards but I feel so torn between my adherence to them and wanting to help outside of those boundaries. It’s Autism with a heart. 

I get stressed easily. Anxiety is the twin I never had. 

I fear getting hurt and I fear hurting others. I don’t want to fear but its so ingrained in me. I can’t live the carefree life. And I fear not fearing because that, to me, means losing control and, being Autistic, that is something I can’t lose. 

I am a fearful person. 

And the vicious circle of fear – stress – anxiety – fear is a mind killer. 

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