Feeling worthless at the happiest time of year..

I’m in trouble again. 

I spend my life in trouble. 

I’m in a dark dark place and feel totally useless and worthless. 

That’s nice. 

I’m in trouble because we had Christmas plans that changed. We had guests between certain dates which they’ve now altered without consultation so I will have virtually no recharge time before returning to work rather than the three days I was anticipating. 

But when I point this out, that I don’t like change, I get shouted at. 

I’m told that I always dictate Christmas. I always order people what they can and can’t do. 

I don’t. 

I seek clarity. 

Last two years our plans have changed constantly to the last minute. We are here there, here and there. It’s driven me mad. It’s reduced me to tears. 

But no, that’s my fault. 

It’s not that I don’t like the people. I do. But in short bursts, not ten days!. Too much, much to much. For me. I just want rest, quiet, reflection. I feel like shit as it is but now this. 

And it’s my fault. Having Aspergers and reacting as I do is my fault. 

This is supposed to be the happy time. 

For me it’s utter sadness. I hate it because I can’t cope. 

To add to my misery I’ve had an operation recently. Unfortunately people seem to be spreading the fact around the place where I live. It’s an operation of a personal nature but hey, it’s good for a joke at my expense eh ?. 

I’m in a shit place, I hate myself, the world, everything in it…

Perhaps I really would be better off dead..

I am worthless. Everything that happens reinforces it..

I’m in a dark dark place .

I think I’ll stay here. 

Who gives a fuck???. 

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