Working through my Autistic life

I’ve been up since 2.30am. Can’t sleep. Had a tooth out yesterday under sedation, eyes heavy, headache, jaw ache, blurry vision. Feel like crap. 

Ideal time to blog. Ideal time to do a blog nobody will read. 

I don’t know where I am in my life. 

Recently here was some trouble on twitter. Sides were taken, battle lines drawn, conversations taken out of context. 

Disappointing. 

As a community we, on the Autustic spectrum, always seem to be moaning about not being taken seriously or understood by NTs. Yet, there we were, fighting amongst ourselves, point scoring, name calling and worse. Pathetic. 

I wasn’t involved. Wasn’t involved yet felt dragged in and deeply depressed by it all. Thought we were a community, a team, not a bunch of juveniles who need to sit on the naughty step until we cool down. 

Not taking sides. Wasn’t there. Don’t know how it started. I can say though that calling me a c**t in a tweet did semi drag me into it and then asking followers to get an account blocked because the person who called me a c**t, was in turn called that by a third party, is being hugely hypocritical by anyone’s standards!. 

But what it did illustrate was something I’ve mentioned before, the rotten core at the heart of Autism. 

I’m 50. I was diagnosed in 2009 and again in 2014 (just for good measure). I have Anhedonia, Dysthymia, Depression, Anxiety as well as physical ailments. 

What I would like is a knowledgeable, approachable, supportive community. That’s something I could really do with. But what I find is a know it all, superior, condescending (oh your diagnosis can’t be right/is worthless unless you know every piece of terminology or label associated with Autism) , my diagnosis is better/more worthy than yours, approach. 

That’s really unhelpful. Really unhelpful. 

I am trying to make sense of so much, my physical stuff, losing both my parents in an eight month period in 2015, one to suicide, how I feel, being trapped in a job I loathe because of it’s unsuitability and how it’s making me ill, relationships, a complete breakdown in my ability to get interested in anything at all, my loss of hobbies…it’s along list. 

So I’m trying to work through my Autistic life…

And I’m really struggling. 

I’m not better than you, you aren’t better than me, stop the attitude and come together as a community …please ?. 

I’m trying to work through my life and a community that could help me is, instead, damaging me. 

Grow up! 

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