Reaching out..

These are dark times. 

This week has been a maelstrom of different feelings and thoughts. Even Valentine’s Day, a day supposedly full of love and romance, was submerged under a work situation that’s now intolerable. It’s been a dark week. 

So I reached out. 

Those who were supportive I thank very much. I appreciate their input and their “being there” 

But they are few and far between. 

I sought out someone who had offered advice before. I thought he would know stuff, offer help, advice, be proactive. 

But I was disappointed. Apparently it’s me in the wrong. I can do no right. Others can do as they please to my detriment. I can be “set up” and yes, apparently that’s okay. I’m imagining things, my perception is wrong and I need to “knuckle down”. 

And this is from someone on the spectrum! 

Except I’m not wrong. I’m not imagining things. I’m not imagining incidents. Nobody knows how they affect me, personally, inside. 

I thought he’d “get it”. I expected (hoped for) some empathy. A kind of “Wow, that’s not good. I’m sorry to hear that. Yes I can see how difficult it must have been. Have you thought about X or Y ?” But no, I just whine too much. 

Perhaps I do. 

But it’s all about perception. And my perception is, to an extent, backed up by others. But I’m not dragging them into it. I’m not telling others what we’ve spoken about. That’s private. So I refused to divulge and therefore I’m not believed. 

It’s awkward now. I feel very isolated. I’m wary, anxious. I’m scared. 

I might lose my job. Yes I hate it but I want control over when I leave and how. I don’t want to be forced out. 

I’m in the mire. Head down, I have to shut up, be more professional and stop whining. 

I’ve reached out twice in the last two weeks. 

All it’s done is hurt me. 

I won’t make that mistake again. 

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