You’ve heard that a million times I am sure.
And yes, I really wish I could. I wish I could snap out of everything, both physical and mental, that’s holding me back.
In the words of Queen, “I want to break free!”.
I am sure that those of you who get the occasional mild upset that drags you down for an hour or two it’s quite simple. You replace good with bad and life goes on. To you these disappointments and setbacks are temporary, a mere blip in the ocean. Or perhaps you have friends and families who rally round so that even the more difficult stuff is diluted and dispersed through support and comforting.
But what if you are trapped. If every decision you want to make feels like it’s the wrong one or will have even worse consequences and your mind is so clouded by other people and intrusive thoughts that every path you look down ends in a dead end. That you feel paralysed by inaction but also paralysed by the idea that every action you contemplate makes things worse ?.
I want to break free. I do. …… I think.
But then I don’t know. There I am again, paralysed. Unable to make decisions.
Of course, being Autistic means that any change is a terrifying one unless it’s carefully and meticulously planned.
But I can’t even consider putting plans into action because of this sense of inertia. My mind is just static, immovable and intransigent.
I feel foggy, blurred, indistinct.
Exhausted, suffering from “Fibro fog” and suffering constant headaches and constant body pain, stressed out, anxious and scared, this is not a good place from which to make rational decisions.
Yet the decisions I need to (could) (should) (must) make will have a knock on effect on all those issues and could make them more bearable (worse) (stay exactly the same).
I feel so trapped.
I want to “snap out of it”…
But I don’t know how….
PiecesOfPatrick 