Autistic discomfort and why Twitter needs a break

I’m not tweeting at the moment. 

I’d like to. There are things I’d like to say but nobody is listening so I’ve stopped trying. I’ve given up. After a long interaction with The Samaritans even they let me down, leaving me unsupported and quite disdainful of my predicament. So, throwing my hands up in despair, I give in! ..or give up..

Part of my discomfort comes from the “community” itself. I’ve said before that I don’t feel I fit in and recent events, or the continuation of events, has only reinforced that viewpoint. 

We’ve become too needy. 

We continually complain about wanting acceptance or awareness and yet, every time an NT says something, even though it might be blunt or a little thoughtless, we have a go at them. We describe their comments as “outrageous” or “appalling” rather than “uneducated” or “misguided”. Theres too much aggression. 

Sometimes, what people say to us, are just observations. They aren’t packed with ill intent. There’s no harm intended. Yet we bristle, we get indignant and seem unable to accept that, sometimes, there are no deeper meanings!. No hidden agendas. 

If someone tells me my eye contact is better or I seem less fraught I don’t treat that as being awful or a terrible thing to say, I just accept that is another persons view of how I am in that moment. I might not agree with their observation but it’s not harming me. 

We are too down on NTs. Most of us with official diagnoses have, I suspect, been diagnosed by NTs. But then we will start criticising them, telling them “they don’t know what they are talking about!”. So their diagnosis of you must be wrong then ?. Of course they come out with the occasional inanity (Baron-Cohens “male brain” springs to mind) but then so do we and we should stop pretending we are incapable of saying or doing stupid things!. 

We fawn. 

Yes, we fawn over each other. Just because a book is written by an Autistic author it does not make it the “best thing ever written”.  There might be greater empathy with the authors viewpoint or character but it’s not the “best thing”. The same goes for blogs. There’s support and then there is fawning, this over abundance of praise that goes beyond the natural to an over amplification to such an extent that I’m immediately put off the original work because it simply can’t be as good as is made out. 

If I like a piece of writing I will like it. I will click the like button. Very occasionally I will comment. Very occasionally. I do so because I am wary of the fawning trap. 

Most of what I write is trite. This is probably crap as well. I’ve written what I consider good stuff that gets ignored, I’ve written bad stuff people have liked. Yes I know people are entitled to their opinions, these are mine lol, but just because a book is about Autism or by an Autistic author, it isn’t worthy of such abundant praise. There’s good and bad in both the Autistic and NT spheres, but we seem, at times, incapable of objectivity. 

One of the reasons I’m uncomfortable is the use of the word “tribe”. It’s what some of us have become, very anti-NT, very ….well…tribal. A “We are better than you” stance. We are not better, we are different!. Yes the difference should be celebrated but not used as a weapon. We want acceptance, we want awareness but we don’t want to educate ?. We just want to crush every observation with a response that we are outraged ?. Why are we so narrow minded ?. We see the worst in people rather than the best. 

I’m greatly disenchanted at the moment. I’m withdrawing from the world and from a community that I don’t recognise as being one I’m comfortable in. I’m adopting an isolationist policy for fear of greater hurt by my so called empathetic brethren. 

I’m taking a break from tweeting. I no longer know how to react to things I’m reading. I’m scared I’ll say the wrong thing, to the wrong person, in the wrong time. 

I think it’s best to be on my own. 

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