Ever heard of it ?.
Until I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and read up about it I wasn’t really aware of this frustrating side effect. It crept up on me unawares and now it’s here to stay it’s become an unwanted guest.
It’s in my brain and I wouldn’t mind so much if it paid rent for the privilege of occupying such a valuable space but it doesn’t and it’s a really lousy tenant!.
Much is made of the fact that those of us on the Autistic spectrum have quite the talent when it comes to memorising stuff. We can reel off facts and figures about our special interests and never seem to run out of things to tell you about them.
If only that were the case now.
Work isn’t so bad. There I’m “in the zone” so to speak, so much of what I’m forced to recall comes naturally and, because it’s something I’m doing on four consecutive days, I get the benefit of repetition so that more of what I’m saying is sticking in my head. But even so I get moments where I hit a barrier and the fog descends. That’s so annoying!.
Coupled with Anhedonia, Dysthymia and Alexithymia it all makes for an unhappy brain and, of course, the more you try, the worse it gets.
I can feel myself straining to remember things and, another frustration, is that I can’t recall yesterday’s television or what I read in the paper but I can recall Ahkheperkare, Ahkheperenre, Menkhepure, Menkheperure, the Prenomen of Pharaohs Tuthmosis 1-4 or Usermaatre-Setepenre, the Prenomen of Ramesses 2nd, which don’t often crop up in polite conversation. It’s no good remembering things that aren’t of much use to me is it ?.
Brain fog is hideous because you find yourself questioning everything. Did you do that ?. Did you say that ?. Is that true ?. Have you made a mistake ?. It’s really quite scary at times because you feel that you’ve lost control. Frightening images of Dementia or Alzheimer’s spring to mind and even scoring 100% in a memory test session run by the Alzheimer’s Society, doesn’t quite quell those fears.
It interferes with your enjoyment of things. Anhedonia has robbed me of virtually all pleasure but that’s harder to get over when your brain is a tool you want to be able to use to study or research….and it’s untrustworthy.
I would love, really love, to be able to do some studying. To be able to retain information. To be able to recall information. To be able to compartmentalise my brain so that everything was in it’s rightful place and I could trust my internal fling system.
I’d love to shake off the fog, this lazy, lethargic, painful fog that’s leaving me lacking clarity, distrustful of myself and feel like my life wasn’t just slipping away. Oh, punching yourself in the head really doesn’t help. Tried that. Ouch!. But, seriously, that’s what you feel you need, to slap yourself, shake yourself, somehow raise your brain from its slumbers, to tell it to get a grip.
Brains eh ?. Who’d have ’em ??.