I feel like I’m falling.
I feel like I’ve tumbled off the edge and gone into freefall.
I’ve lost control of my body, lost control of my emotional state and my life is like a galloping horse racing into the distance.
I feel left behind. I’m off balance, jumbled, messed up and distressed.
So messed up.
Every sound hurts. It’s like nails being savagely beaten into my brain. Pain flows through me be if the car whooshing by, the screeching birds or the television. Every sound reverberates through my body causing me physical pain.
My joints ache. Fibromyalgia flare ups are now routine, daily, hourly. My joints are on fire. They protest at every movement and even something so simple as getting out of a chair is greeted by an electric shock of pain through my knees and ankles.
I’m not sleeping. Every sound outside is amplified. Dogs barking, doors opening, the cacophony of the drunk lady across the road embroiled in a row with her partner at 2.00AM, her swearing and screeching echoing in the warm stillness.
I toss and turn. Every movement sending fresh pain coursing through my body. Comfort like a distant memory.
I take my meds. For all the good they will do me. None.
So much blood.
I self harmed yesterday. I sat on the stairs and gouged my wrist. Gouged it out, scraped it till it was deep and bloody. It ran in thick rivulets down my hand.
Pain reminds me I’m alive.
So much stress. So much anxiety. Trapped in indecision. Fearful. Overwhelmed.
Yes thats the word. Overwhelmed by life and so tired of it all. Tired of getting nowhere, tired of failing, tired of being a disappointment. To myself.
I can’t get it right. Get life right. None of it. I’m so fucking tired. I rarely swear but now you know. So fucking tired. I’ve had enough.
I want out. I want to be free of pain. I want it all to end.
On the edge of a precipice.
But I’m already falling.