So here it is.
A blog about not blogging.
I’m in a strange place. My new meds are kicking in and I’m not sure what’s happening internally. I feel sort of dreamy, out of it, non-functioning and, not to put too fine a point on it, odd!. A little disembodied.
I like to have control. I need control but right now I feel floaty. And the headache, the perpetual headache above my right eye. That’s really distracting actually. It’s like I’m permanently peering at something. But only through my right eye!.
I feel insecure.
I’d like to blog. I would. I really would. But there’s no support, to my mind, for me to continue.
I notice, particularly on twitter that certain bloggers are widely supported. I’ve particularly noticed a group of female bloggers who actively support and promote each other’s blogs. That’s nice. It’s not envy or jealously I’m experiencing but sometimes it would be nice to have that depth of interest in what I write; to feel I contributed something meaningful.
But I don’t.
They say writing is cathartic. For some I am sure that it is but I’ve come to a point now where I just feel nobody is interested.
Perhaps I’m not interested myself anymore.
But it’s more than that. It’s feeling that I’m contributing something. That I’m going to say something that sparks debate. That I’m going to say something that people will find stimulating.
And that’s clearly something I lack.
I know I’m not intelligent enough to write those deeply personal and educational posts that do interest people. I don’t have the grasp of the technical issues that many do so people aren’t getting an intellectual frisson of excitement from what I write. I don’t write about “the issues” that clearly stimulate discussion. I’m not learned enough to contribute meaningfully re gender, sexuality or topics ending in “ny” or “ism”.
All I have is my personality.
And that’s not enough.
I don’t embrace the left wing politics of many. I’m too objective, too balanced. That brings more problems as I can’t rant against the establishment, rail against injustice or put forth impassioned tirades. Perhaps I’m too reasonable. Perhaps I’m too nice.
Or too boring.
So there’s no point in bothering is there ?.
There are a million blogs about Autism out there. Blogs written by people who appeal to other people, whose description of the challenges they face and how they overcome them, of their achievements and their struggles, are greatly more appreciated than mine.
Perhaps I’m not good at promoting myself. But I’m not much good at anything so that’s hardly surprising. I’m not good at getting myself across. And I don’t have the backing of people who will promote what I write in the way the aforementioned women do. They are just so supportive of each other. It’s a really good thing. They have a bond, a common purpose and interest. They are there for each other through their blogging and interactions. They seem to all “belong”. Long may it continue.
So that’s it.
It’s time to keep things to myself. It’s time to stop pretending I’m good at this or that there’s genuine interest in what I write. It’s time to stop believing that what I say has actual merit. It’s time to stop fooling myself that what I write has made a valuable contribution to another persons life.
It’s time to fade away.
I can’t be bloggered any more!