This is weird.
And I do mean weird. Strange. Odd. All of those.
I’m having new treatment for fibromyalgia. So far it’s done, partially, what was intended in that the fatigue, that gnawing muscle ache has reduced.
So far, so good.
I can still feel the pain in my joints and there’s still a lot of stiffness, a dull tiredness in my limbs and although I physically feel a bit brighter I am still very conscious that (a) I only need to do slightly too much and I crash and (b) walking up and downstairs, putting pressure on knees and ankles, is still a cause for concern.
And I don’t know if the treatment is working.
Hang about, you’re thinking, you said at the start that it was!
I did. You’re right but the problem is that I don’t know which bits working. All of it ?. Part of it ?. Any of it ?. The weathers been mild. We’ve had some days of hot sunshine and automatically my fibromyalgia is better in warm weather. That makes it harder to judge the impact of treatment set against environmental factors.
Whatever is working I have noticed that my mental acuity has not, alas, improved. I’m still fumbling around in the fog trying to remember things. I go to the shop for milk and buy everything but milk. Darn it!
I’ve also noticed that I feel a bit drippy. A bit dreamy. A bit well, weird. I can feel myself, my core, my inner self but then, well, it’s had to describe, there’s a barrier between myself and reality. It’s a matter of perception for sure but it’s like I’m here and I’m looking at the world through a barrier. It’s a tangible barrier but it’s not a hard barrier. It’s soft, it’s pliable and it’s moulded to me like a second skin.
This skin is in between me, the inner (real?) me and the outer skin, my skin, the skin I cut and scratch and bruise and hurt when things don’t go so well (that’s quite often).
So I’m kinda trapped. But trapped inside myself. Locked behind a pliable, jelly like barrier that’s protecting me, it seems, from the reality of life.
I don’t feel alive. I feel floaty, wishy -washy, stretched thin and ethereal. I’m living in a mental and physical fog that’s soft and warm but not pleasant. It’s preventing clarity, it’s reducing ambition and activity. It’s as restrictive mentally as fibromyalgia is restrictive physically.
And it’s so damn annoying!
And I want it to stop.
It’s been two years now and the jokes wearing thin.