This week I’ve been treading water.
I can’t swim and even treading water or floating is beyond me.
But in my life I’m treading water.
I’m not at a crossroads, I find that too limiting. I’m in a vast ocean being buffeted by different waves and pushed and pulled along by different currents. Occasionally a wave will submerge me and push me down beneath into the cold dark. Then I must push myself up towards the light and emerge, gasping for breath once more, into the air.
I’ve had a few meltdowns.
Not massive, serious ones but brief encounters with my dark side. Even though they’re brief they remind me that I’m just treading water and that I could, at any time, be engulfed and swallowed whole by an outburst of incandescent rage.
Mostly they’ve been caused by ineptitude; miscommunication and people’s inability to listen. I’ve found myself teetering on the edge because people don’t listen to simple instructions and that causes me upset especially when that failure to listen directly impacts on me.
So there’s work and that’s a large wave to contend with.
Then there are the continual currents about house buying, moving, all the stress that will bring. They push and pull me in different directions because they are so contradictory; stay or go, how big ? Where ? Jobs ? ….
Then there’s me. Me as an individual. Anhedonic me, me with no hobbies, no interests, me who bobs along in the sea, going nowhere.
This week, in a rare moment of clarity I thought about study. I thought about forcing my brain to do something, I thought about forcing myself to move, to interact. I thought about rekindling a special interest of mine, something I actually enjoyed and know quite a bit about.
I really thought about it.
But I don’t have that kind of money. £7500 for a three year course and then £3250 for the final year. That’s way beyond my means.
My partner says yes I have the money. Okay, yes, I do have access to those funds. But that’s the house fund, I can’t take anything out if it, especially not at those levels. That would just diminish our budget by an unacceptable level.
No I wouldn’t have to pay it all upfront but I would have to pay for the first year and I don’t have £2000 just lying about the place.
And what if my brain didn’t want to do it ?. What if I found it beyond me ?. What if the Fibro fog and the Anhedonia simply said “No” ?. I can’t waste that money either.
My partner asked me what I’d do with the qualification when I had it. She’s right. It’s not something that would get me a better job. It’s not that kind of qualification.
Another idea that must be considered and dismissed.
I’m treading water this week. It’s cold out here in the ocean. And it’s lonely. I feel the waves increasing, the currents getting stronger.
I’m treading water.
Just waiting for a tsunami to wash me away.