Calm reflection 

I’ve not been well this week. 

I left work early on a Monday simply overwhelmed both mentally and physically. Too much noise, too much activity, too much…..everything. 

I felt a sensation of panic. I was trapped, hemmed in; everything felt claustrophobic. 

My chest was like a huge bruise aching and throbbing, my stomach was on fire, I had a headache, was dizzy and huge waves of nausea kept crashing into me pushing me further off balance. 

So I came home. 

I need an endoscopy. Never had one before but if it helps then let it happen. I’ve noticed, as I’ve spent the last two days resting, how much things have eased. 

Sure my chest is still sore but it’s not as sore. Sure my stomach still hurts and reacts badly no matter what I eat but it’s not quite as bad as before. My fibromyalgia is still a constant source of concern and even ten minutes physical activity wears me out but the underlying ache isn’t quite as bad as it was before. 

I’ve done nothing. I’ve read a bit, watched some tv, played video games (a useful stress buster) and walked slowly to the local shop to get milk. My partners been at work so the place has been quiet and calm and I’ve just been able to chill out a little bit. 

On reflection it’s what I’ve needed. Here we are ten months into the year and I’ve yet to take a days leave. I’m worn out and haven’t looked after myself at all well. I’ve allowed myself to be overwhelmed. I am, always have been, my own worst enemy. 

The very thought of work makes my symptoms increase again. The knowledge that the stress will, all too soon, return. I think! No, I know, that work is a major factor in my condition. It affects me physically and mentally in ways I have no control over. It is a living nightmare. 

But I’m tired. I think that’s it, in a nutshell. I do too much and then have nothing left for me. My Anhedonia seems well set in and perhaps that’s because I don’t have enough energy now to fight it. I feel so worn down that I no longer have the strength. 

And that’s a mental thing as well. I’m not alert enough because physically I’m so damaged. Ravaged even by this accursed fibromyalgia and its strength sapping viciousness. 

And it’s so frustrating !.

It’s like an itch you can’t scratch. You know it’s there but you can’t reach it. You can’t scrape it off. 

But it all comes back to me. 

I must look after myself better. I must, must, make time for me and I must use that time. I’ve got to get back my mojo. I’ve got to get something in my life that I can latch onto, something that is tangible and real. I’ve simply got to!!!.

I’ve not been well this week. I’ve been calm and used that time to reflect. 

Now, from somewhere, I need to find the strength to fight back. 

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