A dangerous time of year

This is a dangerous time of year for me. 

Unfortunately, Halloween, Bonfire night and Christmas are three loathsome “events” that bring a shudder to my spine. 

Halloween I’ve always looked on as an American tradition. I just don’t see the point in it and people knocking unexpectedly on your door is not exactly Autism friendly!. Bonfire night, an old tradition, is a mixture of frightened pets, crowds (the inevitable firework display) and loud bangs, again not Autism friendly. Oh, and have you noticed how it rains on the night of the firework display so you’re damp, miserable and having your ears assaulted!.

Christmas is my nightmare. 

What to buy, how much to spend, will it be liked, will I like what I’m given, do I have to show gratitude or pleasure, where will we be on Christmas Day, are we staying home or going north ?. These, and more, cause me nothing but anxiety in the build up to, and on, the big day. 

What with the clocks changing as well when the end of British summertime is heralded (hah!) and the effect that has on my body clock and the inevitable winter blues that assail me and drive me into deeper depression, you can probably tell that I already long for the first buds of spring and those first welcome rays of new year sunshine. 

Unfortunately I am alone in my views on these events. My partner loves all three and we are to be surrounded by grandchildren for at least the first two. 

Yes I appreciate these events are for children. Although that said, none were high on my enjoyment meter as a child. The loud bangs of fireworks have ever been painful to these ears. I suppose I enjoyed Christmas more when I was a child and could ask for what I wanted and avoid any surprises but these days I have no idea what I want or need so any present brings with it unwelcome pressure to “like it”. 

My partner is easy to buy for. However, as she wishes to give in return I find myself asking for things I neither want nor need, just to give her something to to give me on the day. 

I don’t think that the pressure we feel under is appreciated. I think it’s just the way that we are expected to conform to a neurotypical standard of enjoyment surrounding events such as these and join in. 

And that is upsetting. To be forced into a place where it is dangerous for my mental health is something I wish to avoid but it is even harder when you’re in a relationship with a partner who is neurotypical and loves these events. 

Its a dangerous time of year. 

I just want to get through it. 

3 thoughts on “A dangerous time of year

  1. Sorry you feel alone with your thoughts about holidays. If it helps I can completely relate so you are not alone in the blogging community. 🙂

    Most holidays cause anxiety for me, even though Christmas is my favorite hoiday it is still a very stressful time. I believe halloween was a holiday created for kids to fill up on junk food and have a bit of fun dressing up. I never understood anything that has to do with fireworks be it Independence day, Canada day or what have you. I also find people are so over the top with them. This was my first time living in the states for their last independence day. I never attended the events but people literally did fireworks for the whole long weekend. I was like WTF?! It’s one thing to do it on the day your nation was born or whatever, but the whole weekend? Like how self centered are we. :/ Fireworks cause me massive anxiety because of the noise and I just find them really boring actually. Like after the first few go off it is like I am over it.

    Christmas was not originally created for children, I believe it comes from the bible and is believed to spend time with family, help the poor and those less fortunate and should actually be morally celebrated everyday and not have some stupid holiday for it. Our society turned it into a materialistic holiday where the stores are always packed and you are forced to spend all your money on bratty kids. And because of that with kids getting Iphones, computers, game consoles for Christmas and birthdays there is no way of getting out of it. It’s not that kids are necessarily more spoiled now when they ask for a new phone or whatever it is that all their friends and kids in school have them. It’s getting worse. As for what people get me, I beg them not to get me anything and they still do. *angry face* I like shopping for other people as I can be creative with my gifts and staying on budget, but I HATE how busy the stores are that time of year. It is so busy and causes me so much anxiety. I like Christmas because as stressful as it is I enjoy family time and it is one of the few times of years my family actually pretends to be normal and get together. This will actually probably be my first year away from family for the holidays and I am anxious about it as it will be someone else’s traditions, away from my family and be kind of the unknown. However hopefully it will also be an exciting time, I just hate change. My hubby and I are going to do our first tree together and everything so I look forward to those small things.

    I am actually thinking about writing a survival guide to survive Christmas and holidays. Haha I am just waiting for it to get closer to December. That and I am not sure if I have much advice to share as it turns me into a ball of anxiety as well. xD

    Best of luck that you get through this time of year without too much anxiety and trouble. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I think one of the reasons all these events feel so awful is it highlights the difference between autistics and NTs and is even harder if you are feeling depressed. I remember just crying one Christmas because I didn’t feel I deserved the presents.
    I think Halloween is best ignored. And firework night I spend holed up with my poor dog.
    Children are very accepting of different types of grandads. My father in law used to spend the occasional much appreciated short bursts with his grandchildren then retire to his reclining chair behind his newspaper, not to be disturbed. Nobody minded. It was just Grandad.
    You need to build in enough rest time over Christmas.
    Take care of yourself.


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