It’s been a bad week.
I’ve had to mask super hard this week to maintain control. I’ve had to ramp up the false jollity and keep a level of humour whilst being assailed, from all sides, with a barrage of frustrating, annoying, disheartening, anxiety bringing and depressing things.
On top of that my partner is ill and, as I rely on her for transportation, amongst many other things, that’s just added to the palpable sense of doom.
I’m tired. Bone achingly weary. My fibromyalgia has found its pain level (moderate) and settled down to a routine of aching, throbbing and deep pain coupled with occasional eye watering highs and the knowledge that my limits, in terms of exercise and what I can cope with, have levelled out.
Unfortunately they’ve levelled out low!.
Several frustrating trips into town yesterday, coupled with the hideous Black Friday hordes, meant I was a nervous, exhausted wreck when I got home and I knew I’d pushed too far and too hard. The fact that I then had to spend countless, frustrating hours on Twitter, websites and online chat, trying to rectify a stores incompetence; and failing miserably, just added to a rubbish week.
I had a letter from the Pain Clinic. Yes, after two years I’ve finally been referred. However, instead of offering me an appointment or asking me to ring for one, I got a generalised letter telling me they existed and listing all the treatments (apparently involving needles) they couldn’t offer to me!. So, no further forward.
My diabetes is bad. I know that. Unfortunately I am Autistic so what I like to eat consists of things that aren’t good for me. I don’t eat a huge range of things for sensory reasons. I’ve cut out chocolate but find grapes, my “go to” fruit, much harder to give up. I should get more exercise and lose weight. I have fibromyalgia and I’m 6’4″ tall and about .3 over my BMI. Don’t they understand how hard it is for me to lose weight when I’m permanently exhausted, in pain and feel like total shit ?. If I was my “ideal” weight I’d be so skinny you could pick me up and use me as a javelin!.
I don’t want to say much about work. That’s now causing a whole new set of stresses and strains and the sooner I’m out of there the better. I’m expending a vast amount of energy behind the scenes trying to keep a couple of other people from crashing and at times I feel like I’m counselling as much as I’m working. That is not a criticism of them because they are friends and I don’t like seeing them in pain but there is a significant cost to myself that uses up stores of energy I don’t really have to spare. I’ve got to be careful.
At times this week I’ve hit rock bottom. I’ve masked it well although those who follow me on Twitter have seen my resulting meltdowns and have reached out with support for which I thank them. I hate feeling so tired, so sore, so…….exhausted with life. I hate feeling that way but after so many years I’m not expecting change anytime soon. I’d love that light at the end of the tunnel, I’d love that spark of hope, I’d love to believe that things can and will get better. Someday.
But it’s been a bad week.
Next week ..