The awful question asked at this time of year..

“So, what do you want for Christmas ?”

You know it’s coming but I always dread it.

Being as I am my list could contain nothing as the sheer number of choices overwhelm me or, alternatively, lots of things because I’ve gone into magpie mode and see lots of shiny things I want.

Then there is the concern that I’m asking for things I don’t really want and don’t use because social convention dictates I should ask for something in return for the gifts I give. So I’m getting someone to waste their money on me. Essentially.

Then you throw depression, anxiety and Anhedonia into the mix and you get a stressed, anxious me with no real interests and struggling to keep head above water.

So I start thinking practical stuff.

Noise cancelling headphones. Good idea but which ones ?. If I choose something like Bose then that’s way more than I want anyone to pay for something for me. I know they’re good but that’s silly money. And do I even have a device that I can sync with them so I can listen to music ?. Not being technically minded I admit I have no idea.

A new iPad or MacBook. Wonderful, but, again, silly money. I do use my iPad a lot and find its good for writing this stuff and browsing but, as this ones still working, I guess a new one isn’t needed.

Books ?. Don’t really read much these days as I can’t take stuff in.

Music ?. Don’t download as I can’t. No idea how that all works and don’t actually have a device to listen to stuff on as my iPod is dead and the headphone socket on my iPad is broken.

Films ?. Rarely watched. We have cases of Blu-ray Discs that never get a look in. I still don’t know how Fringe finished, haven’t watched season 4 of Boardwalk Empire or season 3 of Person of Interest.

Clothes ?. Pointless exercise. I know what I’m comfortable in. I know what size I like. I know the colour I want. It’s no use people buying me stuff.

So, as you see, it all becomes a bit of a tiresome exercise. And a stressful one.

I don’t want money as it’s never spent on the thing it’s supposed to be. It just gets eaten up in general household expenditure or is consumed by bills. It never treats me to something nice. These days money would get diverted into the house budget as there’s no holiday budget until the house gets sorted.

In all honesty I just don’t know what I want.

In all honesty, since I was young and Lego, or a fort and some crusaders, or some cars or something football oriented was on my then (long) list, it’s all been a struggle.

My partners son will get me aftershave and socks. He always does.

My partners daughter will get me….something more useful, a gift card for a store she knows I use or Amazon. Her brother never thinks along those lines. Unfortunately.

So that’s it. The usual fumbling about in the dark trying to work out what I need or want in a practical way.

And failing miserably.

My partners easy to buy for as she has so many hobbies. Lucky her.

But me ?. I dread it when the time comes…

“What do you want for Christmas ?”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s