Looking back and looking forward..

So Christmas is almost here.

Another Christmas and one which I will be spending 300 miles from home, in the frozen wastes of the icy North.

It’s a time of reflection and a time to look at what might happen in the next year although, admittedly, predicting the future is not my strong suit!

In all honesty it’s been another year of no progress. There’s been lots of effort but nothing to show for it and that’s very upsetting and frustrating.

I mean that on a personal level. It’s been another year of battling the twin demons of depression and Anhedonia whilst wrestling with fibromyalgia. It’s been a hard slog from day to day and there have been times when I wanted to pack it all in. I came close at one point. There was an incident involving a knife and a bloody wrist and a crisis team that showed absolutely no interest in my crisis at all but that moment passed and whilst dark thoughts are never far from the surface no direct action has been taken.

It’s hard when you’re tired though; when you’re in constant pain and you find that overdoing it just slightly brings you down.

I’ve tried so many times to change. Or to force change. I’ve tried to get my brain in gear until it hurts but it continues to resist me. Ah well, there’s always next year.

Works been tough. Undercurrents of discontent that those of us on the spectrum, with our added sensitivities, find particularly irritating. Whispers in dark places, explosions of resentment and the general reduction in the morale of the workforce have made it a long, and at times, very upsetting year.

So that’s been my life.

I’ve sought charity. I’ve pondered the big move to the north where housing is cheaper but I won’t have employment and that question, as tough as it is for me to answer, is equalling difficult for my better half.

We stay and have jobs but continue to rent this damp, cold flat with no better prospects or we buy the house we want with the space we want and the freedom we want but sacrifice settled employment and, in Karen’s case, people she’s worked for over 20 years and to whom she is now part of the family.

Decisions, decisions.

So that’s where I am.

As I say I am off North in 48 hours time and we will see whether a change of scene hinders or enhances the thought process.

To all of my followers, I wish you the happiest of Christmases and hope you have the wonderful time you want and deserve.

Stay safe and look after yourself and your loved ones.

3 thoughts on “Looking back and looking forward..

  1. Sorry to hear you had a rough year, I hope you have a great Christmas as well and next year is better for you. Hang in there!

    This will be my first Christmas away from my family (I wouldn’t say home exactly but that’s a long story :P) will be spending it with the husband’s family for the first time. So new experiences and routines. It will be difficult I think in the way I will miss my family and my traditions that even though were busy were known to me and made me feel safe. So I can feel your pain in someway.

    Liked by 1 person

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