The Dark Place

I’m really down.

Really struggling.

The holiday period used up so much energy that even with three weeks away from work I don’t feel rested and going back to work just set me back again.

The moment I went in any good thoughts evaporated in an instant.

Back to the grind, the noise, the clutter, the office politics, the rudeness of people I am trying to help and the vicious emails to me which my boss responds to in a lukewarm way, ignoring how I feel but desperate not to upset the sender.

Such isolation. Such loneliness. But that’s how I feel.

On my own.

We came back and talked about our potential move north. Work wouldn’t help with employment. I knew it was a long shot but the lack of ambition is obvious. “We don’t want to lose you” they say yet, on the other hand, they don’t want to help me, encourage me or support me. People have expressed disappointment at the prospect of my move. Is that kind ?. What are their motives ?. Am I popular because of who I am or popular because I know stuff, do stuff and do more than my fair share ?. The “go to” guy because I’ll get it done. Are they scared of losing me because filling the gap will be so hard ?.

I don’t know. I’m not good at reading people. I never know who is genuine and who isn’t.

Moving north is a logistical nightmare. And I get no help there either.

My partner changes her mind daily and I can’t plan with her. I don’t know what she really wants and without some sort of direction I’m left floundering in the dark, the Autistic horrors of not being able to plan and zero certainty raising their ugly head by the hour.

I feel so alone.

And I’m trapped.

Can’t move on because..well, I don’t know where to move on to. It’s like Christmas never happened and we are stuck in the loop of indecision yet again. Can’t move yet can’t stay and loathe job but don’t know where to get one and need a holiday but can’t take money out of the budget!.

It’s a living hell.

Still, on a positive note (sarcasm) I’ve had a letter from the mental health team discharging me (again) with no resolution and no assistance. My thoughts about suicide and how I would do it are of no interest to them nor is my self harm which they describe as scratching..although the deep scars from cutting are, again, just ignored. Hey, I’m an adult who is autistic, I’ve coped before, I’ll cope now…they think..or, at the least, they just don’t care. Out of sight, out of mind.

It’s not resources. Not all the time. It’s not having a clue what to do with you. It’s not being able to listen and support, just basic stuff. Even when they make fancy promises they don’t keep them. I don’t want this or that, I want somebody to talk to, somebody who can give me an insight into stuff, who can be a sounding board. I don’t want a cure or to be over analysed.

Am I asking too much ?.

Seems so.

So I’ve gone back to the dark place. It’s the only place I really know. And I hate it. I don’t want to be here but what’s the alternative ?.

I’m down! I’m struggling..

And I don’t know why I bother..