Forgive me if I stumble

I’m stumbling along.

I’ve lost the strength to do much and good intentions have already faded to long term hopes without real conviction.

I started the year planning and hoping but seem to have back tracked which is both annoying and frustrating.

Physically I feel spent. I’m in so much pain these days from my fibromyalgia that it’s not funny anymore. It’s constant and it’s not so much where is the pain, but where it isn’t!. My sleeping is a mess of either sheer exhaustion or pain preventing me from getting any meaningful rest. I can’t recall restful, refreshing sleep.

I expend too much energy at work. I put myself out for people with very little back in return (not in all cases and all people) and when I hear people refusing to do this or that I know it’s just going to create more work for me. That’s just pressure I can live without but, unfortunately, saying no gets me in trouble as I’m not one of those whose face fits and can get away with stuff.

But work is, slowly but surely, killing me. And I don’t know if a change of job will make the slightest difference.

I’m ill. I can’t avoid admitting that and it’s becoming a constant worry. I’ve had this nasty, invasive headache in the right side of my temple for, what ?, over a year now. It’s so painful and my right eye just feels like it’s going to burst with the pressure building above and behind it. It weeps constantly and is just so draining. Add in the weakness on that side already post two strokes and I feel so lopsided.

My memory is terrible. I keep wondering if I have dementia which is a terrifying prospect and just makes me worry all the more. I can’t recall stuff from yesterday and the harder I try to recall stuff the more my brain protests and refuses to play ball. It’s as though there’s a physical barrier in my brain that’s preventing me from obtaining clarity. Still, my emergency appointment is now just 4 months away.

My balance is bad. I seem to stumble, quite literally, several times a day. My feet don’t seem to know what they are doing and I feel a sense of disassociation.

I just feel under so much pressure.

Trying to find a new job 400 miles away with no skills and no talents that will allow me to easily find one, especially an Autistic friendly one that suits me, is a nightmare of overwhelming proportions. Something so simple as my CV has become another mess as I can’t sell myself as I don’t have any self worth or self esteem to sell myself with.

And then theres house hunting at distance. Do we move and look or look and move ?. This is the biggest decision we will make and I have no idea what I am doing because I feel so terrible and I have no strength to do it.

I’m terrified.

Terrified of my job, terrified of finding a new one, terrified of finding the right house, terrified of moving, terrified of having something seriously wrong with me.

Terrified.

And under so much pressure.

If I had hobbies I would, perhaps, be distracted or would have something to take me away from the daily nightmare, even for a few hours..

But Anhedonia has totally screwed that for me.

I’m stumbling along both physically and mentally.

And I hope I don’t fall over.

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