Another bad dream ….that’s real!

Do you ever get the feeling that you are stuck in the middle of a bad dream ?. Powerless to prevent the maelstrom surging around you.

I’ve felt that way recently.

My partner’s illness is just one of those things and its always worrying when something shows on a brain MRI that is unexpected. I go into panic mode and worry about her and that worry is only made worse when you realise you weren’t there to ask questions when she got the news and the medical report is couched in such obscure medical terminology that you can’t actually work out if its good news, bad news or something in between.

Her issue only amplifies and brings into sharp focus my own brain/head issues. The incredible pressure building behind and above my right eye, the constant headache of varying intensity but always in the same place; the one that you’ve had for a year now and for which you still have another three month wait for your neurology appointment. The variation in vision and the way, post two strokes, that all the bad stuff hammers away at my right side, disorientating me and sending me out of kilter.

It’s absolutely exhausting.

Then you get an email from the Mental Health Team.

To summarise they’ve been worse than useless. Lots of broken promises and half-baked truths. Lots of things they “might” do to help me but which, after 3-4 years of being “under” their care, has only resulted in reports speaking of my understandable frustration and the fact it’s no real surprise that I self-harm!.

In short, I am Autistic and they have no idea how to support me.

I am discharged (again) but I can continue to work with another team member on employment issues.

Then he emails me.

He wasn’t aware I had been discharged. The fact I have means that he cannot work with me anymore or have me as part of his caseload. And somehow that sounds like it’s my fault.

Don’t they discuss the cases they have ?. Didn’t he know I had been discharged ?. Why was I told I could continue to work with him post discharge ?. Why am I still on a 3 month waiting list for CBT when the 3 month waiting started 11 months ago ?. Why was I told that it would be followed up in November yet I am still waiting to hear anything more about it ?.

Why, once more, do I feel royally screwed over by the system ?.

What happened to the “modified” CBT mentioned 4 years ago ?

What happened to the counselling ?

What happened to the drug review promised two years ago ?

All I get is a lot of shoulder shrugging and a “If things get bad then you can always ring the crisis line!”..

That would be the same crisis line who, when I was suicidal gave me 30 seconds of their time to ask if I had eaten an evening meal. I presume that, because I had, I wasn’t going to kill myself afterwards!.

Throw in the constant ache and energy sapping fibromyalgia, throw in diabetes, throw in stress, anxiety and, thanks to anhedonia, not a single hobby to distract you in the slightest.

I feel utterly powerless.

Totally unsupported.

Exhausted.

Exasperated.

Tearful.

Shattered.

A million other terms that mean bad things.

Life’s a bad dream. There’s just too much for me to cope with.

What now ?.

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