I feel very dysfunctional today.
I don’t think the weathers helped. It’s not that I mind snow per se but that I mind being hemmed in, being trapped and being unable, even if I don’t want to, to get out.
Being inside has led to a period of reflection and the trouble with reflection is that when I look at myself I’m not happy with what I see.
Leaving Anhedonia to one side I can’t get enthusiastic about anything. I find everything a chore and whenever I get the slightest glimpse of the light at the end of the (very long) tunnel, I find it snatched away immediately.
And that’s frustrating.
Perhaps I doubt myself too much. Perhaps I doubt my ability. But then I doubt that.
Part of me tells me I’m better than this. The bigger part tells me I’m useless. It’s a constant internalised conflict that’s time consuming and mentally draining.
It leaves me feeling very disjointed. Very fractured.
I feel all over the place.
In an ideal world (it isn’t) I would be studying Egyptology and working in the travel industry. It’s really weird, to me, having 40 books on a subject yet not looking at them. And yes there’s another coming for my birthday next week as I attempt to light the spark.
I’ve even been taking part in Ubisoft’s Hieroglyphics Initiative, to trace hieroglyphs into a computer programme, in an effort to get some sort of reaction.
But it all feels so dull.
I’m doing it but it isn’t me. It doesn’t feel like me, it’s removed, vague, Indistinct and fuzzy.
And that’s the trouble with my life. I don’t feel like I’m living it.
Apart from the brutality of work which is all too real, I find everything else rather a daze. I’m going through the motions and not being involved in things, immersed in things or invested in anything.
And life’s passing me by.
I feel dysfunctional today. I’ve felt like this for a long time.
And I’m so tired of feeling this way.