Down, down, deeper and down.

I feel utterly dejected today.

Utterly miserable.

Utterly bereft.

Utterly lost.

I don’t know what I am doing and every little thing is just causing me pain. Every noise, every movement, every little thing.

I feel agitated, anxious, stressed and so so down.

I feel lost.

I am trying to work but it’s like a bad dream. It’s not quite real. It’s not substantial but more ethereal; a floating, wispy sense of reality, just so vague.

It’s that detachment from my last blog; that feeling of dysfunction.

Everything is irritating. It’s like an itch that I can’t scratch and its driving me mad. I want the world to stop so I can achieve some sense of lucidity; some sense of reality.

And I am so tired.

I know its catch up day. I know that we have a large amount of work to get through; I get that but my god, why does it have to be so hard ?.

I feel so trapped.

I don’t know what I am doing. I am not invested in this. I am going through the motions.

It’s not that I don’t care it’s just that I can’t care.

I can’t get invested here.

There’s no achievement. It’s just one long drawn out ordeal with no end in sight. No matter what I do I feel it’s never quite right or its never enough. There’s no purpose; no fulfilment.

I am so agitated.

I had to walk out, get some air, take a breather.

I was worried I might snap.

I still might.

I need to work but every single day I am here I lose a little bit of myself. Every new job I look at is the same thing as I do now, only worse.

Crap.

I feel such a disappointment. Such a failure.

I want to do so much but my mind, and my body, just let me down.

I know my partner deserves better but I feel helpless to give her what she wants.

She would be better off without me.

Financially certainly.

This is awful. I feel so terrible. So….done.

Why was such a pathetic individual put on this planet ?.

Fuck knows.

I am utterly miserable.

I am 52 next week.

I’d rather not be here at all.