Suicide and why it needs to be talked about.

Suicide runs in my family.

A few weeks before I was born my Uncle, or the man who would have held that role, Mums brother, committed suicide.

I don’t know why and although I’m sure I was told when the time was deemed appropriate, I cannot recall details.

Unfortunately I can vividly recall the 27th August 2015 and the presence, on my doorstep at 3.00am, of two policemen who, solemnly and carefully, informed me that they had forced entry into a house in Exeter and there discovered that my Mother has killed herself.

So, that’s how it goes.

I know it’s a difficult topic but it has to be addressed.

I am suicidal. I have suicidal ideation. I have a plan. I have the pills. My doctor knows, my mental health team knows, my partner knows.

Yet nobody actually wants to talk about it. When I tell them I just get a nod of the head and a “Well, don’t do anything silly” and we move on. Nobody asks why, persuades me it’s a bad idea, wants to get to the heart of the matter.

The Crisis team believe the fact you’ve eaten recently means you won’t go through with it but even the condemned have a last meal. It’s as though simply by talking about it you aren’t serious, it won’t happen, so why should anyone show any interest or pursue an active role in prevention ?.

I’m suicidal because I can’t abide living. I find my job stressful to the point of physical pain, I don’t like where I live, I have no interests or hobbies, I am cursed by Anhedonia, my body is wracked with pain, stiffness and weakness through Fibromyalgia and the after effects of two strokes, I have mental fogging, zero self esteem, hate my body and consider myself an utter failure in life.

But none of that matters.

It doesn’t matter because I can’t get people to see how desperate I get, how far I fall.

It’s as though they’re saying “We dare you to do it!”, because that’s the only way I’ll be taken seriously.

It’s like I’m being forced to try. Or forced to die.

I’m Autistic. I panic, I get anxious easily, I stress easily, I’m terrified of dying…yet I’m terrified of living. It’s not that I want to die but rather I wish I’d never been born.

So what do I do ?

Suicide. More and more that becomes the appealing option.

And it shouldn’t be.

But trying to talk about it ?.

That’s a dead end!

3 thoughts on “Suicide and why it needs to be talked about.

  1. I wish there were magic words… even saying that seems trite and meaningless, but there aren’t better words either.

    I am so sorry that you are being let down, that so many of us are let down by the systems that should support us. I have been where you are, and it gets better. Sometimes it gets worse again, and you find yourself back there, but there is happiness too.

    I don’t know if you want to just express it, or wanted suggestions; but if you do, please look for another job. You probably already are, but just in case… it doesn’t have to be something perfect, it just has to be less stressful. Less draining.

    People are frightened to take responsibility for more, I think we all fear reaching out too far, in such a way that may take too much from us. We are all selfish – we all have to be a little – but that doesn’t mean that you are not worth more than you have. That doesn’t mean the world can’t change. I hope it does.

    They may only be small words on a screen, but that doesn’t mean I don’t mean them. Some days I remember giving myself targets of just get through today. Just stay for today. Sometimes forever seems far too long. A day, a week, a month. They’re much more achievable.

    All the best 💐

    Liked by 1 person

  2. People don’t like to talk about death and suicide makes them feel uncomfortable. Or angry. either way, it’s because they don’t understand. You’ve clearly been through a lot with what sounds like limited support. You’re exhausted and fed up of suffering. I understand that. I also know that it takes strength to keep getting up each day for more of the same, or worse. If people had one day in the life of a mentally ill person, they would understand just how hard this is. A lot of people (if not most) who work in mental health care have never had a mental illness so how can they possibly understand? People are working from textbook and observation, not personal experience. It’s so much better to talk to people who’ve lived it. Try and find books about depression that are written for autistic people (preferably by autistic people) because I believe that autistics are hardwired for mental health disorders and so the therapies (or drugs) used with NTs may not work as well (or at all) with us. Do your research and keep reaching out. Keep getting your feelings out into the open because in doing so you are helping yourself and others and in helping others you are not the failure you believe yourself to be.
    Keep. Going.

    Liked by 1 person

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