Toms Head

When Tom woke in the morning,

Found he was stuck in bed,

No matter what he tried,

He couldn’t move his head,

He called to his wife Alice,

“My dear, I think I’m stuck”

Said Alice with a weary frown,

“Oh dear, that’s such bad luck”

Said she after giving careful thought,

“I’ll go and get the lube”

And she soon came back to him,

With the most ginormous tube!

She slathered it about his bonce,

She covered ears and nose,

And just to be on the safe side,

She put some on his toes,

Then she put on heavy gloves,

Of ominous design,

Grasped Toms head by his ears,

And said “Dear, you’ll be fine”

Gave the most enormous wrench,

And tugged, then pulled, then squeezed,

Poor Tom was going purple,

As he groaned and coughed and wheezed,

Panting, Alice stopped the fight,

Said “I’ve got no chance”

“Let’s think about this logically,

I’ll call an Ambulance”

And soon the paramedics,

Were standing by the bed,

Armed with many gadgets,

To try and move Toms head,

“How attached are you ?” Said Mick,

“To that head of yours ?”

“Well” said Tom with careful thought,

“Wife hates it when it snores

I use it quite a lot in day,

To see things, and use ears,

My mouths on it as well you know,

So I’d rather keep it, cheers!”

Mick and his mate Andy,

Then they tried all kinds of stuff,

From crowbars to electric drills,

They really got quite rough,

They tried to pry it off the bed,

Used pulley and a hoist,

They fought with it for many hours,

Until they got quite moist.

At last when they were gasping,

Had nothing else to try,

They gathered up their stuff,

Hugged poor Alice, said goodbye,

Left poor Tom a laying there,

Attached by head to bed,

Alice said “Now look my dear,

Let’s think of this instead”

And as they couldn’t move him,

They decided what to do,

They used a combination,

Of things so he could poo,

And wee of course and eat good meals,

Play board games, watch tv,

He always wears his nicest clothes,

For visitors to see,

And as he still needed to work,

In a job he found appealing,

He became a stockbroker,

Monitor on the ceiling,

And Tom is really doing well,

As he lies upon that bed,

And as he says to all concerned,

It’s all thanks to my head!

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