I tried to blog today.
Aha, but you are blogging!. Well, I am…but it’s pretty random.
I tried to find a picture to talk about but realised my heart wasn’t in it. You’ve seen them all by now and since my blog just gets lost in Twitter, very few people actually see them anyway.
And perhaps that’s it. People’s lack of interest has made me lose interest. There’s no enthusiasm anymore.
It’s the same with my other writing. My novels ground to a virtual halt, my poetry’s dried up. I just can’t get excited or inspired by it.
All this time off and nothing achieved.
No new hobbies, no old hobbies, no hobbies.
I’ve read books but barely scraped through them because I’ve found other people’s writing annoying or frustratingly so much better than mine. I purchased two new books I should have enjoyed but found one of them truly dire and, if I’m honest, completely unbelievable..when it’s supposed to be true.
It annoyed me because it seemed so…contrived, so unrealistic. And that hurt. I wanted it to be funny, uplifting and inspiring but felt quite the opposite as I read it. It dragged me down and is now on the charity pile…if they’re ever able to accept donations again.
I can’t sit through a film and find most Tv off putting apart from the odd hour that reveals a little gem (not the lettuce variety).
My self care is shocking now. Rarely clean my teeth, shower irregularly, change clothes infrequently. I’m diabetic so that means I eat loads of sweets and cakes because I’m down. Planned more exercise but the restrictive and repetitive nature of that has meant I can barely face getting out anymore.
I think today is the 50th successive day I’ve logged on for work. In normal times I’d work 4 days a week but in these abnormal times I’ve become a slave to my job, going above and beyond for nothing. Ambition shall not be rewarded but this sense of….not letting others down and knowing that, if I don’t do it, it won’t get done, drives me on to exhaustion and burn out.
I’ve cut myself, almost taken an overdose to the extent I’ve had all my pills out ready to take and not had a happy ‘time’ in so long I genuinely can’t recall the last one.
So that’s it, lockdown misery now at week..11? 12?… I’ve lost track of so much..
Where will it end?.