Thoughts

Life just drifts along. Sunset becomes a new dawn and sunrise slowly fades into the day.

Clock watching. I do that more than I should, aware of each passing second, each moment I’ll never get back. Life slows to a crawl.

Outside the world is humming with activity. Builders across the way, the constant to and fro of traffic, horse riders, people walking..

Inside I watch the clock tick over, constantly aware of the ticking, like a time bomb or slowly counting away the moments that I have left to me.

Too much thinking time. Too much dwelling time. Too much time.

Random thoughts pop into my head. Today’s cricket, will we win? Last nights football, why did we lose?. The royal names of Egyptian Pharaohs of the 18th dynasty. What I ate yesterday. Why I can’t find Cherry Trees in Animal Crossing. Have I paid my lottery money?. How much do I owe for office birthday collections…it’s all there.

Underlying it all are thoughts of…nothing good. Distracted by too many failures. My…apathy, my uselessness, my inability to act.

Thoughts that I’m drifting, rudderless, towards my own sunset, scared of what’s ahead of me, disappointed by what I’m leaving behind.

Thoughts that it just wasn’t worth it, that I failed, that I didn’t do enough because I didn’t know what to do.

Harmful thoughts.

But they’re all I have.

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