When you’re having fun…

I’ve been away from work for two and a half weeks now. I’m exactly half way through my planned leave and unplanned sick absence.

And I’m no better.

I’m not worse but I’m no better.

I’m tired of trying to explain myself. A 6 page email apparently doesn’t cut it and an offered conference call with management simply fills me with dread. I just can’t face it. I keep repeating myself and I can’t make them see so the thought of doing it again, through a medium that’s failed so often before, just hurts me.

If I was asking for the earth I’d understand it but I’m really not, just proper communication and clarity. Exact details of what I can and cannot do or have in terms of reasonable adjustments, open lines of communication that are simple in terms of the language used and advance notice, where possible, of any proposed changes that will affect me.

I’m so tired of this. I applaud the aims of the charity I work for and the good work that’s done by my colleagues. We do good stuff. The fact is not appreciated by those higher up is a constant source of frustration and disappointment to me. Or if they do appreciate it then they have a strange way of showing it!

I’ve sat and simply dwelled on the past, what I did or didn’t do, said or didn’t say, or even should have said. I’ve had crippling anxiety and panic attacks, my weights ballooned and I’ve been sick with nausea. My sleep is a mess and my diet is horrible. The only good thing about the latter is that at least I am eating. But that’s it.

I can’t settle to anything because I’m restless and worried about the things happening in my absence, the cases I was dealing with, the inevitable build up of work and all I want to do is cry or run away and cry or find a dark hole, curl up and cry or …cry some more.

When you’re having fun you don’t want it to stop. Well I want to stop now, stop here, stop everything. I want the fun to start but I don’t know how to make it start because I’m all out of puff and strength and …those good wholesome qualities we all need.

Two and a half weeks down, two and a half to go.

What fun!

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