Down, down, deeper and down! I believe it was Status Quo who said that…or sang it..and here we are again, in the hole, deeper and deeper.
It’s not the bottom of course because there is no bottom. Beneath the bedrock you will find a myriad of caverns just waiting for the unwary soul to set foot, or in my case, slide on their arse, into.
So why am I hear? Here? Yes I know, I know and I can’t be bothered to change it.
Work. Look, I’m not blaming work because the work is valuable and we change peoples lives for the better but when you are helping vulnerable people you like to think your employer understands vulnerability and will go out of their way to help you.
And sure, if I worked in an organisation that was thousands string I might get lost in the mix but I’m one of thirty so…his hard can it be?
Have they made adaptations for me? Yes. I work from home …but then we all do, and I don’t answer the phone and do emails instead.
So what’s the issue?. How long do you have to read this?.
Training is rushed and new systems brought in at the busiest time of year. My colleagues aren’t sure if they are doing things correctly and then that confuses me as I question if I should do what they do or if I’m right or wrong. Managers aren’t visible and we don’t know what they’re doing. Emails to them vanish into the void and go unanswered.
I send lists of cases to be checked but get no feedback so I don’t know if I’m doing things right. Then I find that part of my job and that of a colleague is actually not included in the training but is overlooked and so we have to try and cobble things together because managers have forgotten us.
Then they change my job behind my back but don’t have the courtesy to ask me first. Then they change it again, same thing. There’s no dialogue, no communication and after so many times of this I’m at the end of my tether.
I’m Autistic, I have ADHD, I have anxiety disorder and Dysthymia. I also have Fibromyalgia. It all adds up.
I say to them, can I please see this in advance? Can I be told that? Can I have advance warning? Can changes be discussed before they happen? I don’t think these are unreasonable requests and yet they ignore them and bring things in, expecting conformity and the Autistic guy adapting and bending to what they want rather than allowing me time to get comfortable with the changes and point out the illogical ideas they often contain.
And I have bent but now I’m breaking.
We can’t ring each other for advice. We are monitored and spied upon. We are now a call centre in all but name and the mood of the staff has sunk to an all time low (again). The managers obsess about numbers rather than substance and you feel like your job is unimportant and not what the charity is about..when it’s ALL the charity is about because it’s the Charity’s role.
It’s a constant, exhausting fight, wracked with anxiety and constant changes. Log this, log that, don’t log that, log that but this way and not that, remind them, set a task here, close this, open that, change this, don’t change that. It’s bewildering and the instructions come thick and fast often contradictory to the last ones.
Am I right? Am I wrong? if they are right then I am wrong but if they’re wrong then I’m right? What the actual F… where is the feedback? Am I doing it right? Is silence an acknowledgement that I am? Or haven’t they checked things? I don’t know.
Once upon a time we were a happy office. Sure there were stresses but they were manageable (to a degree) but then things changed and dark clouds gathered. We became less a little charity but an organisation that became too corporate and now had a manager for everything whilst the staff were ignored.
People left, resigning and saying they felt undermined, that communication sucked a big one and that they felt of no value. The message didn’t sink in and all we got was a thanks for hard work and we may or may not recruit to replace them. No acknowledgment of the underlying issues.
In truth I feel lost. I know others feel it but won’t speak up and managers insist all is well. It’s not but hey, let’s not rock any boats!.
So I feel isolated, the Autistic weird guy who causes trouble. The rebel, the gobshite who picks fault with everything. The one who won’t conform to the vision, who doesn’t get the plan or see the wider picture. That’s how I feel .
Me. The guy who works hours he shouldn’t, who logs in on days he doesn’t work, who doesn’t take all his leave, who works bank holidays and weekends, who helps others, who gets stuff done!. Because that’s it, that’s my job, to help those who need it and so I have gone over and above to give a service and follow the motto of the charity, the aim- to give help to all who need it.
And yet, when I need help, they listen and do not act.
They say that charity begins at home. But not, clearly, when home is your workplace.
I am tired. I am beaten. I am done.