I’m a bad person

Recently, increasingly, I’ve been told I’m controlling. 

Perhaps I am. 

I don’t see it that way. I see it more as self protection, a way of protecting my sanity, a way of self control. 

Perhaps I’m wrong. 

It happened again last night. I switched the television off and within three minutes my partner had switched it in again. Not to watch anything in particular but just because she wanted it on. So I asked her why she had put it back on and got shouted at, “You’re so controlling. Always telling me what I can or can’t do!”. Her exact words. 

I fled to the sanctuary of the bedroom and put myself to bed. 

Over a week I watch, perhaps, 10 hours of television. There are a few series I follow and the odd documentary catches my eye. 

Over a week my partner watches daytime television when she comes home from work and probably another three to four hours after I go to bed in the evening. I’d say she watches three times, at least, more than I do. 

But it always seems to be on. 

And when I’ve spent a long day in a hot office surrounded by chatter and the constant brr brr of the phones I find the incessant background noise a real sensory issue, especially when it’s just on for background noise and there’s nothing specific on. It just has to be on.

And what I don’t get is that whilst the television is on, she will be using her iPad to watch videos on YouTube, often with her headphones plugged in!

I don’t get it. There’s a monetary cost as well in electricity and ever spiralling bills. Yes, I accept I play video games for, perhaps, six hours a week, but I’m playing for a specific purpose, I can’t use my iPad whilst playing!. That would kinda defeat the object. 

I feel like I’m a bad person now. 

I have zero pleasure in life. My fibromyalgia keeps flaring up. My sleep is haunted by weird dreams and I wake up stiff and in pain. I have a headache. I’ve no job prospects, can’t shake my brain fog and feel useless and pathetic as it is. I feel ugly and stupid and I don’t make my partner happy. 

I don’t know why I carry on as I contribute zero to society. 

I’m Autistic. I guess that sometimes our requirements for self protection do come across as controlling to others. Our needs impose upon them and our ability to cope is compromised. Perhaps I’m not good at explaining why I find things such as the television so irritating. I’m sure I’ve tried but it always seems to get thrown back at me, “You watch as much as I do. You play video games. You don’t pay the electricity bill” (Actually I contribute 50% of it) 

I just can’t get across how I feel. 

Perhaps I am a bad person. 

Perhaps I am a control freak. 

Perhaps I am just a freak. 

Perhaps it would be better if I wasn’t around any more…

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