A rare blog!

If you have come here hoping to be enlightened then, sorry, I leave that to greater minds than mine.

I’ve just come here to muse.

I’m musing about life. That is I’m musing rather than “Muslim about life” which is what predictive text insists I should be saying!

I’ve just had an operation. It went okay although my wound is still leaking a little and I’ve done a few things I was told not to do. Yeah, silly I know but it’s easy to forget until the pain hits and you realise you shouldn’t have stretched up to get that.

And now I have 4 weeks off work.

4 weeks in which I can’t push, pull, catch, grab, lift or exercise. Because if I do my stomach may go pop and an alien creature might jump out and rip your face off! ..or something like that..

4 weeks in which I can’t book a holiday. 4 weeks in which I can’t travel because sitting down for any length of time causes pain. 4 weeks of contemplating where the hell my life is going!.

Still no closer to a move. Still look but the old job conundrum gets in the way. In-laws looking at houses for us but still that’s not resolving the job issues. And I don’t know what to do about that.

Self-employment keeps getting mentioned but I have no skills by which to do that. I looked at a prospective employer and getting into home-working for them but the cost of the years training is £7200 and I don’t have that much down the back of the sofa. Like every study course before it seems I am priced out of the market!.

I’m now 53. I may have another 13-14 years work left in me and I’d like to do something I want to do. I’d love to have done that but if I can’t afford the training, then, another avenue is closed.

No holidays, no new job, money in bank still a burden. And still my other half dozen sent really get that it should be. But it is. Certainly hasn’t brought me happiness but rather heartache and frustration.

Applied for PiP. Didn’t know what to write on the form. Didn’t know how to explain what it is that affects me. How it affects me. Came out jumbled and wrong. Just hope the 26 pages of evidence, bullet points and medical statements help them see. Lose that and lose Tax Credits as well and we are £2500 a year out of pocket and with my partner losing hours it will put a very severe strain on our finances. Also dreading the prospect of any face to face encounter to talk about it. Said I had nobody to bring to that as my partner would, by her own admission, not say the right things and my mental health support are probably too busy. We will see but it’s just another thing I really could have done without.

Diets a mess. Tried so hard to get my blood sugar down for operation that now I’ve gone off food. Had to eat sugary stuff just to eat something and I know that’s not how it should be. Letting myself slide again but trying hard not to get into a weight loss pattern that leads me too low. Just noticed Drs notes say my ideal weight is 12st 13lb!. I’m 13st 3lb at the moment and my doctor didn’t want me below 13st 7lb when I saw her in person. Hopefully dieticians can help when I see them in May. But not holding my breath.

So, yeah, that’s it, that’s where I’m at. Life still hard, still confusing, feeling helpless and out of control. Resolving nothing. Not knowing how to resolve it. Useless.

Over and out!

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