An alternative Christmas

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me – a headache

On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me – the job of getting the tree down and a headache

On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me- the responsibility of decorating the tree (and she hated it once I’d done it), after getting the tree down – oh, and a headache.

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me- the job of decorating the house – yeah, you guessed it, she hated that as well, and she still hated the tree- which, as you know, I had got down- and I had another headache

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me- the job of collecting the meat from the butchers – and she wasn’t keen on my choice, but hey she’d redecorated the house and the tree, yeah, the one I’d brought down and guess what ? I still have my headache!

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me- family! Sodding family- bunch of frickin vultures that descended upon us to eat everything in sight – the meat she hated, of course they ate that and they loved her decorations and her tree, Yep, the one I’d brought down – and they gave me an even bigger headache!

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me- hey, I’ve got the recycling job! Sorting the paper and card from the vultures as they sit full of my leftovers, beneath her decorations and beside her tree- yeah, that’s the one! The one I brought down and f**k yeah, do I still have that headache!

On the eight day of Christmas my true love gave to me- nothing! Absolutely nothing! By that time I’d stuffed her and her family into black plastic sacks and put them out for the bin men. With the stupid decorations. And the stupid tree. Yeah, that one. And guess what ? No frickin headache!

Days 9-12 ? Absolute bliss!

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